Pyaar aik insaan tha, ehsaas nahi: prose piece

An onlooker’s reflection of one sided adoration.

Includes Urdu (Roman) & English merged.

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I once knew this girl who let things consume her too much. Love to her is whatever her love required of her. Pyaar aik insaan tha, ehsaas nahi. Alas, she loved a person, and he loved his pride.

Now, his adoration is a poltergeist and she- so desperate to be one with it- exists as a dead image of them both. I often wondered if she ever felt tired; trying to be two corpses at once.

Meri jaan. She still goes to his favourite- ridiculously overpriced chai khaana that was mediocre at best.

“Tumhai chai se nafraat nahi thee?”

She always found it too earthy and sickeningly sweet.

He like coffee now; it was always too bitter for him, but it’s a more sophisticated liquid. Those too important to care about dead memories such as my vain friend, drank it. It gave him life, he said. He felt alive after it.

She cared. That was her vice. He left his rotting skin with my dearest, to take care of all on her own and every day she’d hide in it. The odour is reminiscent, the flesh is familiar.

Magar har haaftai meri jaan yahaan aati thee. Shayad ussi chai ki yaad mai, ya ussi aadmi ki talaash mai.

“Yahaan gurr wali milti hai, isse bhetar koi chai hoti hee nahi.”

She’d lie to me every time, I’d extend her the kindness of believing it. Every time.

The only thing he truly loved was glory. He never creased his shoes, never changed his hair, and never had enough space within his world to fit her in. She didn’t mind her endearments spilling over, he preferred the container to be kept spotless.

“Iss gurr wali chai ko menay itna pee liya hai ke ye zehar ban gaye hai.”

She’d laugh, and I’d realise;

Wohi chai ki mithaas iss ke pait mein jaatay jaatay namak ban jaati thee, kabhi hazam hee nahi hou sakti.

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Authors note: I’m not the best at Urdu but I’m so irrevocably in love with using it as a medium, part of the reason why I put out my writing is to conquer the fears of its flaws and embrace it with all its human-ness. You live and you learn. So perhaps this isn’t perfect, perhaps there’s better words to use, this is a reflection of a conversation I actually overheard between two women at a cafe. So do be kind, let me know your thoughts on this! Be sure to subscribe and engage<3

-Zoha